Sometimes




Was listening to this song while reading a blog post. The next moment I knew, sadness engulfed the nose and tear ducts. No tears flowed, only undying emotions.

About a month ago, I asked my male colleague when was the last time he cried. He looked pensive for several moments and replied he couldn't remember. Then I realised, men don't cry.

There are a couple of reasons why they don't. It may be genuinely because they have lesser uncontrollable emotions to grapple with, or it may just be a social stigma. On the other hand, women can cry for a whole lot of reasons. The drama was moving. The boyfriend doesn't understand me. The workload is too much. The time of the month is pissing me off. The sprained ankle hurts like crap. Even the thought of something or someone makes us cry.

I recall tears were a norm for me several years ago. Now that I cry less often, I wonder if it's because I've truly grown stronger or I've chosen to become indifferent. The same old lines, same old stories and same old destructive thoughts come every now and then, but they don't seem to linger anymore. Maybe I've learnt the art of compartmentalising emotions as a way of protecting myself.

I know the heart has had a history of being weak, so I do all I can to strengthen it by my own means. I've tried ways and means to shy away from trouble, to trample on others and even to remain aloof to the cries of help of others. But none of them strengthened me and instead, made me feel worse and disgusted by my unbecoming attitude. Yet time and again, I stupidly fall into those deadly traps just to get myself a quick fix and get into a transient state of peace and quiet. After so many cycles of emotional roller coasters all these years, why is it that I still do not comprehend that my God chooses to break my heart first, before strengthening it by His own means?

Everytime when the heart aches, let me bear in mind that it is an unfinished work. It is not an end, it is a process to an end that I look forward to. And all the time, may I look to my God to supply all I need.

This has an impact to the approach of prayer. Instead of "Lord give me a strong heart", "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours".

And so far I've only expounded on one emotion - sadness. I wonder how many different emotions exist in this world.

You ask me if I love you
I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

Romance and all it's strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

At times I'd like to break you
Drop you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides